“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
all that yoga finally paid off
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
me and my fake scenarios
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”