One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.