Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.