I SAID YES!!! πππππππππ β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ someone asked if I was alone for valentineβs day!!!
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldnβt be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems Iβve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: Thatβs the question you wanna ask?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? Heβs back again
This isnβt working out. Youβre one of those βtalk it outβ types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
are there any atheist mantises?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers