me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
You Might Also Like
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.