I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I feel it
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death