Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
do u think theres a butter planet?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Every photo I’m tagged in