There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
New tinder profile pic
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
OKAY DAD
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
October already? What’s next? November????
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.