“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.