McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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Safety first
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
The best plant holders?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested