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Twitter is an abusement park.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
good work, detective
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
🤣😂🤣
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
same bro
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.