“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds