I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.


17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.


[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK


A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox


[eating dinner]
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign



Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.


Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”


Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.


If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.


the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds