I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
You Might Also Like
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.