When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Meow?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.