My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me