My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.