“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I have a type: disappointing
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen