I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?