The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
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I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Many hands make light work
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds