Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.