My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life