*bites zombie*
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.