-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Wait a second…
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.