Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Uh oh…
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”