@birbigs

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

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@3sunzzz

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

@corysnearowski

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

@rockymomax

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

@gogglepossum

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

@sannewman

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

@Elifcello

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@SafeWordTaken

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

@GrantTanaka

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

@JosesLovesYou

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.