*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
Parenting is hard.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.