Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

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*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?


Parenting is hard.


Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked


ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what


Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]


Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.


Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.


My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.


2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.


Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.