The “research” scene in every horror movie
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Happy Taco Tuesday
New favorite tiktok
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
They must have gotten it to go.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂