me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
You Might Also Like
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?