me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
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I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks