My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.