Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
You Might Also Like
How to make infinite energy.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under