Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
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People Complain They鈥檝e Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don鈥檛 finish what they start
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira鈥檚 hips have the same reputation
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that鈥檚 fair
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It鈥檚 a rare occurrence, so you鈥檙e special.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
This is the cutest stalk I鈥檝e ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 馃槀
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it鈥檚 been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It鈥檚 the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.