If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.