If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
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nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
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[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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