Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!