My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Sunday
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb