reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
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if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.