It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.