No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
broke down and did it
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Never forget.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.