I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
hmm conte-me mais
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.