@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

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@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@robfee

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

@GibJimson

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

@thepunningman

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@Cornjerker78

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

@WilliamAder

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

@CrackedIllusion

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.