“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.