*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
i think we should see other cousins
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
What’s so funny?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily