Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
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Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Hit me in the face with a bird
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.