the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
your honor my client chooses dare
Me if I was a dog
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.