Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!