Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”