All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.