advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
You Might Also Like
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant