I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.