Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?