VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
For the baby who has everything
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
good work, everybody
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece