VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
For the baby who has everything
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
good work, everybody
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece