
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?