VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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inside you are two wolves
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands