@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

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@ladyfiredancer

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

@dumbbeezie

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

@TheTweetOfGod

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

@MikeBigby

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

@sofarrsogud

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

@IamEveryDayPpl

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

@neiltyson

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

@vickykhappy

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

@thisislizz

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?