Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

For the baby who has everything

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

good work, everybody

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece