I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Name this drama.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.