chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
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[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
❤️❤️❤️
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months